acute paroxysms of anguish

umaalingawngaw pa sa aking gunita
ang mga huling katagang namutawi sa mga labi mo
bilog ang buwan noon at
paunti-unti pa kung bumugso ang hangin
hinaplos mo ang mga palad ko

nangungusap ang iyong mga mata't
nangingilid na ang mga luha
ngunit pinipigilan mong ito'y pumatak
ngumiti ka ngunit pilit
at siuklian rin kita ng ngiti

ninais kong sumabog sa hapdi
at iwasan ang tingin mo, ang ngiti mo
ninais kong manatili ka pa
yakapin at hagkan

pinili kong tanggapin na lang lahat
ng sakit na dulot ng pamamaalam mo
ikinubli ko ang damdamin
ngayon, hati na ang buwan
at malakas na ang pagbuga ng hangin
palibhasa'y malakas rin ang ulan

umaalingawngaw pa sa aking gunita
ang mga huling katagang sinabi mo --
"Mahal na mahal kita, ngunit mas pipiliin kong
lisanin ka upang patunayang mahal nga kita."

ngayon, patuloy ang pagpatak ng ulan,
patuloy ang pag-ihip ng malamig ng hangin...
sa paghihintay ko ng muling pag-init ng damdamin
sa patuloy na paglaban ko sa pagyeyelo ng puso
unti-unti nang lumalabo ang aking gunita
tumitiklop na ang kamalayang minsang pinagsaluhan natin,

"Ngayon, mas pipiliin kong lisanin ang mundong ito --
upang patunayang mahal nga kita."

sinaktan mo ako
paulit-ulit na ginago
nilayasan
hindi man lang binigyang-kahihiyan
isinalang sa apoy
puso kong tumataghoy

sinaktan mo ako
isiniwalang-bahala't niloko
nilampasan
halaga'y di man nagawang iwan

sinaktan mo ako
ginago, niloko...
'tangina mo!

oo, selfish ako!
at gagawin ko ang mga bagay
na gusto kong gawin
ano mang paraan
ano mang daan

aangkinin ko ang lahat
na gusto kong maangkin
wala akong pakialam
wala akong pakiramdam

oo, selfish na ako!
manhid pa't walang sinisino
anong pakialam mo?

selfish ka rin
gagawin ang gusto mong gawin
aangkinin ang gustong angkinin

selfish ka
selfish ako
wala akong pakialam sa'yo!

nakakainis isipin na
malapit lang siya sa'yo
at gustung-gusto mo nang sabihin sa kanya
nakakainis lalong isipin na
alam mong puwedeng-puwede mong sabihin

pero wala kang magawa
kundi manahimik
mas pinili mong magkulong sa sulok ng kuwarto mo
at damhin ang init ng panahon
kasabay ng panlalamig ng damdamin mo

masakit
pero mas mahirap
masakit
at mas mahirap tanggapin
na mananatili kang nasasaktan
habang tumatagal

akala mo masaya ka
akala mo tama na ang ginawa mo na
hindi ka nagsalita
mabibigla ka na lang
at darating ang panahon
maiisip mo -
"ANG SAKIT PALA..."

Ngayon
Sisikapin kong dumilat muli
At ikubli lahat ng kaburyungan
Sa bawat pagligwak ng kawalan
Sa bawat paglipad ng kalayaan
Sa bawat paglisan ng kamalayan
Bibigyan ko ng saysay
Lahat ng naiwang bakas ng iyong pamamaalam

Ngayon
Sa muling pagdating ng bukang-liwayway
Sa muling pagsisinungaling ng angking buhay
Sa muling pagliliwaliw ng karagatang dalisay
Ililimbag ko sa iyong alaala
Isisiwalat ko sa mapagpalang kalangitan
Iaalay ko kay Haring Araw at sa mga tala

Ngayon
Sa huli kong pagdilat
Sa huli kong paghinga
Sa huli kong paglimos ng pagkilala
Hihingin ko ang panahong kasama ka

Ngayon
Sisimulan ko na rin ang pag-ayaw
Sa pagdilat
Sa paghinga
Sa paglimos ng pagkilala

Ngayon
Ayoko na!

you let this world gnaw your existence
you cry for help
you scream helplessly
you want to break free
you want to die
you let humans look down at you
you seek revenge
you stumble in the end
you wanted to die
you died
you were never justified.

lost souls gather here in the dark abode
with them i haunt you
with them, i savor every part of your being
nothing more to have
nothing less to spare -
than you and me in a restless heaven
nothing that i could wish for
nothing that i'd ever dream of -
than loving you in the eternal world

lost souls find their rapture
i run to break free
i run to catch your breath
i run to find bliss with my soul
i rush for the glory of loving you
my soul, my entirety -
i miss all of them
i'm sorry i forgot -
i left them all with you

please let me breathe again
let me live -
let me love you!

noong bata pa ako
nakakangiti pa ako ng maayos
mga mata ko'y nangungusap
masaya ang buhay
walang dapat ikalumbay

noong bata pa ako
libre pa ang mangarap
nakakarating ako sa kawalan
pantasya ko'y pinaglalaruan
walang takot na tangan

noong bata pa ako
may sigla't ligayang di matawaran
walang iniisip
walang iniinda
masarap ang bawat sandali

ngayon,
sa guni-guni ko na lamang mababalikan
ang bawat sigla
ang bawat saya
sa pangarap ko na lang
malalakbay ang mga oras
na nilipad na ng panahon

buti pa noong bata ako --
masarap, masaya, lahat kaiga-igaya

nang may luhang pumapatak,
ang sarap ulit-ulitin
ang sarap balik-balikan

buti pa noong bata ako

50 %

My weblog owns 50 % of me.
Does your weblog own you?

tears flow like Nile
like endless pathways
the world seems hapless
with stars failing to glow
you have nothing to gaze upon
nothing to stare at
you scream
like the end of the world comes so near
the journey comes to an end
a bridge comes above
you find solitude
peace in harmony
you smile
without faking
enjoying
the life
the painful,
beautiful life

you hurt me
i want to hurt you back
you deserve a place somehere down there
in hell
and the raging fire shall eat you up
shall kill you!

you hurt me
i wanted to hurt you back
but hell down there is waiting for you
i no longer would want to hurt you
devils are beings you ought to be with
they're calling you
join them!

you hurt me
i won't hurt you back
life is short
but it is shorter for you
i need not to curse you
you're a curse
your entire being is!

you hurt me
go to the place where you belong
beelzebub is eager to meet you!

you hurt me
bon voyage!

you hurt me
fuck you!

your asshole.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

thanks to fawkesraven for the link..

cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

mga dapat malaman at hindi-dapat-malaman ukol saken..

LAYER ONE
-- Name: John Robert Atayde Sion
-- Birth date: December 26, 1984
-- Birthplace: Muntinlupa
-- Current Location: Anos, Los Baños
-- Eye Color: Brown
-- Hair Color: Itim
-- Height: 5'6 and a half'' o 5'7" cguro.. basta ganun
-- Righty or Lefty: depende.. pag nagsusulat - kanan.. pag kumakain - kaliwa
-- Zodiac Sign: Capricorn

LAYER TWO
-- Your heritage: Filipino, Chinese (grandmother) hindi ko na alam ung iba..
-- The shoes you wore today: Black leather shoes
-- Your weakness: LOVE, yun na..
-- Your fears: frustrations as in heavy frustrations, kamatayan, at lisanin ng mga kaibigan.,
-- Your perfect pizza: kahit ano basta mainit pa at maraming toppings..
-- Goal you'd like to achieve: i stopped dreaming already/. hehehe

LAYER THREE
-- Your most overused phrase on IM: ei...
-- Your thoughts first waking up: "letse, ayokong pumasok!!!"
-- Your best physical feature: ano ba? let me think of that.. my ass? hehehe :p
-- Your most missed memory: falling in love...

LAYER FOUR
-- Pepsi or Coke: hindi ako umiinom ng softdrinks.. korni ko no?
-- McDonald's or Burger King: McDo
-- Single or group dates: kahit ano..
-- Adidas or Nike: neither..
-- Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Lipton
-- Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate
-- Cappuccino or coffee: cappuccino

LAYER FIVE
-- Smoke: no...
-- Cuss: sorry cant understand the word, anong synonym nyan????
-- Sing: lagi
-- Take a shower everyday: dalawang beses isang araw
-- Do you think you've been in love: oo
-- Want to go to college: I'm a Communication Arts Major in UP Pos Baños
-- Like(d) high school: oo..
-- Want to get married: no, i just want to have kids
-- Believe in yourself: minsan oo, minsan hinde
-- Get motion sickness: no..
-- Think you're attractive: pag bagong ligo.. hehehe
-- Think you're a health freak: hindi..
-- Get along with your parent(s): hindi...
-- Like thunderstorms: ayoko..
-- Play an instrument: dati piano, ngayon hindi na..

LAYER SIX
-- Drank alcohol: oo.. beer
-- Smoked: once, twice.. basta hinika ako nun. kaya wag na lang..
-- Done a drug: hindi pa naman yata..
-- Gone on a dateo
-- Gone to the mall: oo naman, hindi ako anti-social..
-- Eaten an entire box of Oreos: nakakaumay ksi e..
-- Eaten sushi: ayoko ng lasa.. hehe
-- Been on stage: yup..
-- Been dumped: hmmmmm.... basta... :p
-- Gone skating: never..
-- Made homemade cookies: i don't bake
-- Dyed your hair: hindi pa, wala rin akong plano
-- Stolen anything: ballpen ng utol ko..
-- You sound boring: kapag badtrip at depressed ako..

LAYER SEVEN
Ever...
-- Played a game that required removal of clothing: pass..
-- Gotten beaten up: i refuse to answer the question...
-- Shoplifted: never tried it, though i plan to - real soon.. hehehe joke..
-- Changed who you were to fit in: nope

LAYER EIGHT
-- Age you hope to be married: pass..
-- Numbers and Names of Children: never planned yet... maybe Cedric and CJ.. hehe
-- Describe your Dream Wedding: pass..
-- Where you want to go to college: UP Los Baños
-- What do you want to be when you grow up: maging TAO pa rin.. humihinga at kumakain at natutulog at ngumingiti
-- What country would you most like to visit: Italy.. maraming pizza hehehe

LAYER NINE
-- Number of drugs taken illegally: define illegal please..
-- Number of people I could trust with my life: hindi ko rin alam.. barkada cguro..
--Number of CDs that I own: orig? o pirated? hehehe
-- Number of piercings: wala
-- Number of tattoos: wala din
-- Number of times my name has appeared in the newspaper: hindi ko rin alam - konti lang cguro
-- Number of scars on my body: hindi ko alam...
-- Number of things in my past that I regret: sobrang madami

salamat kay mark..

Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla

wala akong makausap. walang naka-online na MACster. walang kumakausap saken. wala na ngang nagtetext, wala pang makausap sa tab. bakit ganito? hindi naman ako bitter. nalulungkot lang cguro ako. ang hirap ng ganito - tama nga si Aristotle - (o Socrates o Plato, kung sino man sa kanilang tatlo, nakalimutan ko na!!) MAN is a SOCIAL BEING..

bakit ganito? nakakalungkot. hindi ko alam kung walang gustong kumausap saken, o kaya naman wala talaga silang balak.
naguguluhan ako. anyway, siguro senyales (omen) na yata ito na kelangan ko muna magpahinga at huwag nang umasang may mga taong online pag ako ang online...
mag-aaral muna ako..

bakit ganito?

I borrowed a book from my friend. It's Arundhati Roy's "The God of Small Things",a Booker Prize (England's Pulitzer) winner. Kaya binasa ko.. big time e.. hehehe
I just finished the first chapter a few minutes ago, and i'd like to quote some of the lines that made me think, and ponder on life, love, and things in between.

Perhaps, it's true that things can change in a day. That a few dozen hourse can affect the outcome of whole lifetimes. And that when they do, those few dozen hours, like the salvaged remains of a burned house, the charred clock, theh singed photograph, the scorched furniture - must be resurrected from the ruins and examined. Preserved. Accounted for.

Little events, ordinary things, smashed and reconstituted. Imbued with new meaning. Suddenly, they become the bleached bones of a story.

That it really began in the days that Love Laws were made. The laws that lay down who should be loved and how.

And how much.

uuhhhh....